Getting Blogged Down in Traffic

Ok, just got the machine back and it’s time to rumble. We’ve been down for a while, so I spent the first week deleting over half of the 6000 e-mails that were waiting. Some of those were junk.

It’s pretty obvious that I can’t keep a schedule. That gift is gone forever. I can blame my wife, but I could have fought harder. Fact is, Mr. Punctual has retired and been replaced by Mr. I’ll-get-to-it-when-I-can-IF-I-FEEL-LIKE-IT!

I remember being smart. I was a national SIG coordinator for American Mensa, but that was before I got married. Now I don’t make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich the right way. Whipped? Oh, yeah!

I did win the dishwasher war (sort of). When I just couldn’t seem to get it right, I finally said, “Fine, you do it!” That backed her off (stupid, stupid, stupid!) Now I get to load it any way I want…three times a day…(sigh)…

Before I digress too far, this is yet another attempt to make entries available for online reading. I think I have something to say; at least I used to.

It’s going to be a mixed bag. I like to laugh, I like to help, and I like to observe things. I get p-ssed off as all h-ll when idiotic liberals (is that redundant?) try to hijack our country with garbage that nobody who actually works for a living and wants to get ahead agrees with. Then I take my medicine and we can all start laughing again.

Sit back, relax, enjoy. You’re probably not going to agree with everything I say, and that’s ok. You’re allowed to make mistakes…..

My sister-in-law is trying to sell her house. She was living with a jerk, who was sleeping with a neighbor. Now she’s living with us and the house is sitting empty.

She wanted my advice on some things, since I’ve dabbled in “that Real Estate thingy”. Something about capital gains and loss of income. Of course the laws changed just recently, so I’m not much help.

She finally figures out that a running mortgage plus taxes are going to eat up whatever she might save by waiting, so she puts it on the market.

Together, she and my wife are a fearsome team. Within twenty minutes the two of them together have come up with an ad that will sell swamp land. It starts out, “I got the house the car and the dogs. He got the neighbor’s wife.” You can just imagine what follows.

I’ve often suspected just how dangerous it was, living with a woman. I never realized the power that two of them together could generate. I got a sample earlier this year.

A friend on the Music Team at church was having a birthday. Phone calls made the rounds detailing a “surprise party” at the next practice. Now I’d rather do gag gifts than receive gold cufflinks any day, so I figured I’d give this girl something “appropriate”.

Several of the crew have a habit of going out for dinner after practice, and they frequently wind up at a Chinese buffet. This girl’s extreme dislike for Sushi has become quite well known, so my gift is obvious. I will give her a big package of Sushi.

While talking it over with my wife (sister-in-law in attendance), she (of course) has a better idea. Sis adds to the mix. Wife throws in a little more. This is fast getting out of hand!

Finally the day of the party arrives. The girl unwraps a carton boldly marked “At Home – Do It Yourself – SUSHI KIT. Opening the package, she finds a pair of chopsticks resting atop a single packet of boil-in-bag rice. Under the rice is a pack of dried seaweed. She lifts out the seaweed to find, in the bottom of the box, a zipper seal bag containing twenty four live goldfish swimming around in a pint of water.

She screams. The girl taking pictures almost drops the camera. Some people move toward the exit, while others step closer for a better look. I quickly confess, “It was my wife’s idea!”

She laughs long and hard, and tells me it’s the best gift she’s ever gotten, and weeks later everyone is still talking and laughing about it.

But I’m worried. Sis is still living with us. Of course I’m not going to do anything to mess up the relationship with my wife, but I’m afraid to even have another birthday. They’ll get me.

I still don’t know how they replaced all the peanuts with wood chips without even breaking the seal on the can.

I’m scared.


Quote for the day:

Do not worry if you have built your castles in the air. They are where they should be. Now put the foundations under them.

Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862)

Sports Rant

And rather than let this sit for a week, I'll add this on the same date, as an addedum to the previous post.

(Reprint)

Ok, just decided to get it out of my system. For the record, here it is: My Sports Rant.


The Seven Dumbest Sports on Earth

Number 7: Hunting
Ok, I’ve actually done this one, and unless you’re really desperate for food, it’s more fun watching paint peel. Actually, it’s very similar to watching paint peel.

You sit in the bushes or climb up a tree and wait and wait and wait for something worth shooting to come into range. Range is usually something less than the distance most of these guys will park from the Wal-mart entrance.

Finally when something big actually comes within about 20 yards of your position, you aim your rifle (which of course has a range of well over a mile), and you shoot the tree beside the creature. The creature runs away, as well as everything else within five square miles, and you go back into waiting mode. It’s a real hoot.

Throw in a few drunken rednecks (and if you’re in Texas, toss in a couple blind guys as well) and you’re ready to party. Of course, the hunters should always wear bright orange hats so the other hunters can see them, while naturally the deer can not.

Numbers 5 and 6: Boxing and Wrestling

Ok, since when does Happy Hour at Bud’s Bar qualify as a sport? I can see the same pompous drama and bluster as well as some pretty “unusual” costumes on any given night downtown. Oh yeah, and a couple of punches get thrown as well.

Even without a program guide, you know who’s gunning for whom, who’s sleeping with whom, and who’s just shooting off their mouth.

The humorous thing is, those guys on television wouldn’t last a hot minute down at Bud’s.

Number 4: Golf

Golf was invented by a couple of drunken Scottish shepherds who got tired of plugging gopher holes so the sheep wouldn’t step in and break a leg.

They could barely stand, so they used sticks to push or drag small stones into the holes until they were filled. Ultimately this wasn’t enough of a challenge, so they started knocking the stones in from ever greater distances.

Thus the game of Golf is born (and maybe explains why golfers wear such goofy looking pants?)

Number 3: Football

I can’t do better than a young Andy Griffith, who puzzled over this strange game involving “convicts a runnin’ up and down and a blowin’ whistles”.

Of course he finally deduces that it is in fact “some kindly of a contest to see which bunch can take that funny lookin’ little round pumpkin, and run from one end of that cow pasture to the other, without either getting knocked down or steppin’ in somethin’.”

Number 2: NASCAR

Although I’m uncertain as to the original source, it’s quite plain that NASCAR is simply “A bunch of rednecks watching another bunch of rednecks turn left.”

Number 1: Baseball

Half the game is spent standing out in the middle of a field, waiting for something to drop out of the sky, close enough so that you can run over and pick it up and throw it away.

The other half of the game is spent sitting on a bench, waiting for your turn to go stand in a small cage, armed only with a stick, while someone who doesn’t like you much throws hard things at you very fast.


And that's the sports commentary for this evening. Back to you, Walter.

Quote for the day:

Tentative efforts lead to tentative outcomes. Therefore, give yourself fully to your endeavors. Decide to construct your character through excellent actions, and determine to pay the price for a worthy goal. The trials you encounter will introduce you to your strengths. Remain steadfast… and one day you will build something that endures, something worthy of your potential.

Epictetus, Roman teacher and philosopher (55 - 135 A.D.)

Fresh Beginnings

Since there has been such a gap (nearly three months), it's probably a good time to just start fresh. Daily posting is obviously not viable, as I tend to be both long-winded and prone to activities away from any keyboard.

Tried only Saturdays, and that worked for...well...one week. Let's just call it "Irregular Scheduling" and see what happens. I'll try not to let more than a week pass, how's that?

I'm pulling all previous posts. You may see much of the material again, as there were many positive comments, but for now I'm just not content to have a gaping hole in my posting schedule.

I'd like to keep it light, even humorous, as most of you know, but there are certain issues which cannot be dodged simply for the sake of a good feeling.

So let's start back where it all began.

(Reprint)

Alright, let’s get this thing fired up here.

What do you need to know about me? Probably first and foremost, I’m a control freak. But I came to terms long ago with the fact that you can’t control anyone but yourself, so I give me hell on a regular basis. Of course this means that when anyone else crosses me, I’ve already had it “up to here”, so they generally get it with both barrels.

I’m an education nut. That’s different than “academia” which is probably something we’re going to talk about later. I think, especially in this “Internet Age”, seeing a child without a proper education in the essentials of life is beyond criminal.

That’s one of the problems I have with sports in general. When I hear about somebody spending fifty dollars or more to watch a bunch of grown men in short pants run around a paddock chasing a ball, while there’s even one child who can’t get access to a computer, it just aggravates me beyond my ability to express using polite words.

Even on the high school level, sports equipment is often budgeted long before “learning” equipment is even thought about. Of course the coaches always script the same excuse, “Sports develops leadership.” Well, yeah, maybe for those eleven guys; what about the other 989 students in attendance?

Ok, enough of that. This is getting even me down. Let’s try again tomorrow when I’m back on my Meds.


Quote for the day:

You are not here merely to make a living. You are here in order to enable the world to live more amply, with greater vision, with a finer spirit of hope and achievement. You are here to enrich the world, and you impoverish yourself if you forget the errand.

Woodrow Wilson, American President (1856-1924)