Sports Rant

And rather than let this sit for a week, I'll add this on the same date, as an addedum to the previous post.

(Reprint)

Ok, just decided to get it out of my system. For the record, here it is: My Sports Rant.


The Seven Dumbest Sports on Earth

Number 7: Hunting
Ok, I’ve actually done this one, and unless you’re really desperate for food, it’s more fun watching paint peel. Actually, it’s very similar to watching paint peel.

You sit in the bushes or climb up a tree and wait and wait and wait for something worth shooting to come into range. Range is usually something less than the distance most of these guys will park from the Wal-mart entrance.

Finally when something big actually comes within about 20 yards of your position, you aim your rifle (which of course has a range of well over a mile), and you shoot the tree beside the creature. The creature runs away, as well as everything else within five square miles, and you go back into waiting mode. It’s a real hoot.

Throw in a few drunken rednecks (and if you’re in Texas, toss in a couple blind guys as well) and you’re ready to party. Of course, the hunters should always wear bright orange hats so the other hunters can see them, while naturally the deer can not.

Numbers 5 and 6: Boxing and Wrestling

Ok, since when does Happy Hour at Bud’s Bar qualify as a sport? I can see the same pompous drama and bluster as well as some pretty “unusual” costumes on any given night downtown. Oh yeah, and a couple of punches get thrown as well.

Even without a program guide, you know who’s gunning for whom, who’s sleeping with whom, and who’s just shooting off their mouth.

The humorous thing is, those guys on television wouldn’t last a hot minute down at Bud’s.

Number 4: Golf

Golf was invented by a couple of drunken Scottish shepherds who got tired of plugging gopher holes so the sheep wouldn’t step in and break a leg.

They could barely stand, so they used sticks to push or drag small stones into the holes until they were filled. Ultimately this wasn’t enough of a challenge, so they started knocking the stones in from ever greater distances.

Thus the game of Golf is born (and maybe explains why golfers wear such goofy looking pants?)

Number 3: Football

I can’t do better than a young Andy Griffith, who puzzled over this strange game involving “convicts a runnin’ up and down and a blowin’ whistles”.

Of course he finally deduces that it is in fact “some kindly of a contest to see which bunch can take that funny lookin’ little round pumpkin, and run from one end of that cow pasture to the other, without either getting knocked down or steppin’ in somethin’.”

Number 2: NASCAR

Although I’m uncertain as to the original source, it’s quite plain that NASCAR is simply “A bunch of rednecks watching another bunch of rednecks turn left.”

Number 1: Baseball

Half the game is spent standing out in the middle of a field, waiting for something to drop out of the sky, close enough so that you can run over and pick it up and throw it away.

The other half of the game is spent sitting on a bench, waiting for your turn to go stand in a small cage, armed only with a stick, while someone who doesn’t like you much throws hard things at you very fast.


And that's the sports commentary for this evening. Back to you, Walter.

Quote for the day:

Tentative efforts lead to tentative outcomes. Therefore, give yourself fully to your endeavors. Decide to construct your character through excellent actions, and determine to pay the price for a worthy goal. The trials you encounter will introduce you to your strengths. Remain steadfast… and one day you will build something that endures, something worthy of your potential.

Epictetus, Roman teacher and philosopher (55 - 135 A.D.)